pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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