The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
FUCK WHALES
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