...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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