i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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