Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
