she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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