i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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