omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
