Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
