Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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