I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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