I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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