i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
