I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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