my sisters under your porch take her home
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
