you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
