just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
