I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
