he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
