Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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