If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
