This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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