If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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