I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
