It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
