is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
