i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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