I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
