I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
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