this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
