i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
