If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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