3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Drake has all the answers
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
