i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
