Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
