just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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