If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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