I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
