Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
