Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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