Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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