hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
