i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
