If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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