wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
