This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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