bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
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It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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