god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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