When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Vodka?
Forever.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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