so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
