worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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