Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
