I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
