How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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