I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
