I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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