i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
