I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
